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This year, I ate lunch by myself. A lot.
Yes, everyone eats lunch by themselves. It's a fact of life. But in high school, people like to pretend that it isn't, and eating lunch by yourself is made to seem 'lonely' or 'sad'. I wasn't so lonely or sad, or maybe I was, but I didn't let myself think or feel that way. Instead I felt like I was being independent. I felt like I wasn't bogging anyone down, and I felt like I wasn't being bogged down. But being independent isn't quite so fun when it becomes routine.
The thing about this is not that I'm on a sorry search for friends. I'll make friends. I have to, it's inevitable. Maybe all I want to say is that, as 'fun' or 'cool' as it feels to say maybe that one little mean thing, that you don't 'mean' but you say anyways, is, it sometimes maybe hurts enough to kind of make someone feel like you don't want them there. It might even result in someone eating lunch by themselves for nearly the whole year. Maybe your little vibe of "i don't want you here" does get the message across enough and does make someone feel like you don't want them there.
Again, don't feel sorry for me. I'm not sorry over it. (or maybe a little, but not devastatingly.) Just think about your actions. Think about your glances, think about your words. I don't mean to blame anyone for being 'mean' to me, I just hope to suggest that everyone has tricky times, and you never know who's time your making tricky or even trickier.
I really love this video. You should watch it. I really love what is said at the end...
"Life is perfect for none of us. Rather than being judgmental and critical of each other, may we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travelers in this journey through life." -Thomas S. Monson
It's a chance to learn, like everything is. And I can take it as a grain of salt, and be glad that this year I learned more than ever that home is the happiest place I can think of, and that family is the most important thing ever. So, Jr. Year taught me to be more aware. To notice the people sitting alone, to notice the people inching away, to notice the sound of someone's words and notice their expression. It taught me to be less self conscious. When you let go of all of your insecurities that's when you'll be able to reach out, and others might even feel able to reach out to you too.
I hope this says what I hope it says.
Thank you for being so sweet!
XO ROSIE
4 comments:
Hi Rosie, I'm a recent follower of your blog and I love your writing and style. You seem so sweet and I am sorry JR year was tricky for you. High school was tricky for me but I definitely learned a lot about myself through it. Keep your head up and keep learning about yourself and I hope your senior year you find someone to eat lunch with but if you do end up eating lunch alone i hope you savor that alone time and continue learning from it.
:)
I can completely relate to this post. I've been out of high school for almost 4 years now, but those days are still certainly very vivid. For myself, people were never actually openly mean, but sometimes I just felt a little out of place, or rather, I felt so aware that there was more to life than the "groups" and the typical high school stuff. Some days it was hard, but it's the hard times that really do help you decide the kind of person you want to be, and how you want to treat others.
And I'm so glad you value and respect the importance of family and home. It truly is a safe haven. You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders - you should be proud :)
Dear Rosie,
To be honest your post came as a bit of a shock. I was shocked that you - such a beautfiul, talented, absolutley gorgeous, arty, creative, sweet sweet girl would have had a junior year of such proceedings.
Everyday I read your blog and wish to meet and chat to you. You seem to enjoy, value, love and cherish very similar things to me. And to be honest, I know few people with these similar triats.
I cannot comment you and say I have been through a similar thing and come out of it. Because I too am still struggling, struggling to find people who value and treausre me for who I am.
However, I have also realised that the time I have spent alone, (and possibly the time you have too) allow us to learn, grow and find who we are. We are given the space and freedom to find our core identity and being without being influenced or judged by those around us. We begin to discover the things truly important to us and the things that make us thrive. And this, this is a discovery worth making.
Thank you for your honesty in your post. I really appreciate it. You have reminded me that we all go through trials and that from these we learn and grow stronger. You have also reminded me that sometimes it is the people who we least expect to be hurting inside, are.
Natasha <3
Not to sound creepy or stalker-ish, but I've seen you around at Lone Peak (I also go there), and I think maybe we could be friends or something next year?
Jr. Year for me was extra tricky, too. I know exactly how you feel. It's hard sometimes, but I suppose that's how we grow.
Cheers.
Rachel
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